Pondering...

I am awake past my usual bedtime, and per usual my mind is going a million miles a minute... Even though I'm mad tired, my body has decided to stay wide awake. So please forgive the random unstructured rant that is about to follow...

Lately I've been thinking about happiness. What is it? Why do we all want it? Is it ever really 100% attainable? I would say for the most part I am "happy". Some people would argue that I'm generally content...but really is there a difference? I have a good life...a job, an apartment, friends, loving family... What more do I really need?

Also, what is the future? It has no guarantees. In reality I could not wake up tomorrow, and this would be it. I do my best to enjoy life daily and to treasure my daily blessings, but I always look forward to the future. Am I wasting my time? Can we ever really plan for a "future"?

Then there's the double edged sword of pregnant women. They're EVERYWHERE lately, and even my dear sister-in-law Julie gets to experience the journey of pregnancy. Now don't get me wrong, I am super excited for my new niece/nephew, but at the same time I'm jealous. I want that someday, and it's just not meant to be for me. How cool is it that life can grow inside a woman? Babies are blessings. Part of me wants one so badly, even though I know I couldn't afford one right now and I can barely take care of myself...so it's pointless in even longing for something that I can't have or take care of anyways.

And furthermore what is life? What is this gig all about? I believe everyone has been put on this earth for a purpose, and yet, I dont know what mine is. I am perfectly content living the life I live, but it has no great meaning. I don't do anything that special. I eat, sleep, work, and socialize.

Well I guess I used to socialize...I've recently realized (again) that I've changed. Will I always be in a constant state of flux? Now that Odile is gone from NYC, I've sort of fallen off of the BPL social radar...which sort of makes me wonder if any of those peeps actually liked me or not. Seems I was only popular during those times where I drank the most and acted like an ass. I stopped drinking because I started having non-related health issues, but nonetheless the meds I had to be on didn't really mix with alcohol, so I just cut it out. Now, I'm past that phase, and therefore I no longer get invited out. I hate how easily forgettable I've become.

Life is funny in the sense that it always keeps moving. Even when you just want to sit back and relax, you can't. There are times when I'd like to just hide under a rock and away from the world, but what would be the point in that?

So what have I been up to?

*Working. Working takes up 75% of my time.
*I went and saw "Million Dollar Quartet" on broadway. That was great :)
*I've either got mad allergies or a cold, and therefore haven't been feeling spectacular.
*I've been watching some Rescue Me, Tudors, and other random movies.
*I've been doing some crocheting as well.

I guess that's it for now.