So today is December 30, a day I've been dreading and a day I will probably hate for the rest of my life. On December 30, 2008, my Grammy passed away...today is the one year anniversary.
If you know me, you know my Grammy was a very important figure in my life. She was amazing. She was a kind, genuine, giving person with unshakeable faith in the Lord and all things good. She taught my mother how to be kind and caring and loving and giving...which inevitably was passed down to me and my siblings...
A year ago today, it was a Tuesday and I was at work early trying to catch up on work on our closed morning when my cell started to ring. I saw it was one of my parents calling, and on some level I knew. It was the way I had dreamt it would happen...at work with a dreaded phone call. It was sudden though and I felt like someone had sucker punched me.
I had trouble keeping it together at first. I went down into the basement workroom and just sat there and cried. My world felt shattered... They wanted to send me home from work, but I stayed. I pulled myself together til I got home. The moment I walked in the door, I sat down, dialed home and cried some more. I ended up crying with Melissa on the phone for hours...everything just hurt so much and felt so incredibly wrong...
Once I hung up with Melissa, I laid in bed for most of the night awake crying. I flew home New Years Eve which felt incredibly weird. I hadn't been home for Christmas because I had to work and I missed my Grammy's last Christmas on earth...precious memories I never got to obtain... And here I was flying home for New Years Eve with no excitement. If I was flying somewhere for New Years, I'd want it to be for a party or something exciting...
New Years day was spent at a funeral home. I went and saw my Grammy, but ended up socializing and playing with Owen more than anything else...and there was so much food there...we just kept eating and eating...the only way my Grammy would've had it...and although the reason we were all gathered was very sad, I enjoyed the outpouring of love that everyone brought to honor her...
So, this year has been tough for me when it comes to this...if I think about it long enough, I'll end up in tears. I know she is in a better place now, but it doesn't mean that I don't miss her. We used to talk every Sunday once I moved to NY...I miss those talks. She'd give me the gossip and listen to whatever I wanted to talk about. I called her because I knew she worried, but also because she was a joy to talk to.
She was so protective of me. I'll never forget when I was getting ready to move out to NY for school at Pratt. She had me come over and she and I went up in the attic and found all sorts of things for me to take with me to stock my kitchen. She gave me pots and pans from the 70s and drinking glasses and a cookie sheet and spatulas, etc. Once she stocked me up with all sorts of goods, she gave me a hug as I was leaving and said "want me to buy you a gun?" I was so stunned. I told her no, but she said if I ever changed my mind to just let her know...Lord knows where she'd have gotten one or why she wanted me to have one, but she always worried about little ole me in the big city...
I miss visiting her while home and watching Hallmark movies and the Game Show Network and TV Land and Murder She Wrote...
Today, is just the painful reminder that she is gone and never coming back. I know I can no longer call her up and tell her about what's going on in my life or to hear the latest gossip. I know that I can no longer visit her and have her make me food after I tell her I'm not hungry. No more, "Kathy go get yourself a pop downstairs"...
My Grammy was the essence of love and all things good. Sure she wasn't perfect, but she had to be pretty damn close to it. I will always think of her with loving thoughts and have a void in my heart without her here...I miss you Grammy :(
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