Falling off the face of the earth..

That's exactly how I feel. I haven't been on this blog in roughly 2 weeks, but I've been a very busy girl.

Two weekends ago it was Owen's birthday. I went up to Michigan and I had a really nice time. I was able to meet Owen up at Eddie Edgar Ice Arena and go open skating with him--which he really enjoyed! Then Ang, Kev, Dad, Owen & I went bowling. Then we went to a soccer game for O. Then we had a birthday party for O--even though there were only a handful of us there, the boy got soooooooo many presents! All in all, I'd say it was a successful trip. However, on the drive home, I realized that I miss my family...that was the start of a very tough mental state (keep reading, we'll get to that).

Then this past weekend, it was Mikayla's Baptism. Christenings are a big thing in a Catholic family and we always have a family party to go with it. While the baptism itself went well, there were a few disappointments... First off, my brother was a no show. I don't know why he hates us all so much, but that was just wrong. Nick could've had a get-out-of-jail-free card...instead it's "go straight to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $100". I don't know how he can go on with life without missing us one bit. He thinks he's happier this way and that the way he's acting is justified...so idk. You can't help someone who flat out refuses your help.

So yeah...I sort of had a mental breakdown. There's just been a lot on my mind and I guess I reached a boiling point or something...I had a hard time NOT crying... For a few days there I had to stop myself from thinking, because thinking = tears.

First of all, as Melissa says, our family dynamic is off. This is so effed up and some people just don't want to fix it at all. How can people be filled so full of hatred and jealousy and selfishness? I wasn't raised to be that way...they weren't raised to be that way... It just really makes me miss my Grammy big time...she would know what to do and who to yell at and how to smooth things over. She was the best, and my mom keeps trying to make things better, but none of them want to even try. It's not fair...but life isn't fair.

Then as I mentioned earlier, I realized that I've started to miss my family again. I love hanging out with my sisters. I love my niece and nephews. If I were closer, could I help smooth things out with Nick? I know that's crazy, but the "peacemaker" in me wishes that I were closer and that I could fix this... It isn't right at all. I miss my brother. I hate that he's not around. I hate that he skipped BOTH Owen's bday and Mikayla's baptism. He was invited to both...he could've at least attempted to show up.

Also, as of yesterday, I have officially lived/worked in KY for a year. The time has flown by so quickly, and at the same time, it feels like I've been here forever...

But that of course, got me thinking about why I moved here. If James hadn't been in my life, I never would've even looked at jobs in KY. This wasn't a place I had envisioned myself being. However, the job was for a supervisor position and in the middle between our 2 families...I thought it was a win-win.

Because crazy as it seems to some, I thought James was the one. I have never loved anyone the way I loved him... It's no secret, James and I are not together...but if he wasn't the one, where is he? It took me 25 years to fall in love...do I have to wait another 25 years to find the one I'm supposed to be with? It isn't easy finding someone, and it's even harder keeping someone...

Then because I'm crazy, I started feeling crappier. I haven't been on a date in forever. I'm to the point where I just want a guy to ask me out to dinner, just to get my feet back in the water. I'm not asking for a marriage proposal...I just want a dinner and some conversation. I've even asked some friends up in Michigan to help me out, but no luck thus far...either the men are married or in relationships. So, alas, it's still just me.

And thinking about it being just me, that brought me down too. If I hear one more person tell me that life is easier on a double income...I will scream! I'm single. Okay? World, please stop screwing me because I'm single. I don't get a discount on taxes or insurance policies...I don't have someone to split the bills with every month...I can't make fancy meals unless I want to eat them for 5-7 days...I don't get parties for being single... I come home and I'm by myself. I'm single, world. That's how it works. Stop making me feel bad because I'm single.

It's not like I had planned on it being this way. I expected to have a ring on my finger by this past July and I thought I'd be planning a wedding... Life had other plans for me. So, please stop making me feel like a failure, world. I do the best I can.

And while we're still talking bout the crazy train I've been riding...it makes me sad to know that I'll probably never have children of my own. I'm not getting younger, and I'm not getting richer. I want to be a mom, but odds of that happening...they're growing slimmer and slimmer. Hell, I'm 27 and it's no secret that I've got some ovarian failure as it is. And when I look at Owen and Mikayla, I can't help but love them. They are pure love to me. I'd love to have my own as well, but I know that I am lucky if that's all that God wants me to have...they are beautiful children who make me so incredibly happy.

I think a lot of these thoughts came from the realization that now that I've got my career...I miss my family, I'm alone, and I don't understand God's plan. I know God has a reason for everything, but we don't always understand it. What is my purpose here in KY? Why does my family have to be so messed up right now? Why can't things be easier? How much can I handle before I completely break? We all struggle with faith issues...I just really wish I knew. Like I wish God would just tell me what He wants me to do. There has to be a reason that I'm having these thoughts...there has to be a reason why I ended up here in KY...there has to be a reason for all of the tears...

So yeah...I've been in a dark spot. I know I'll get out of it, but right now...I just wish it was easier. I wish money grew on trees, that happiness was delivered on my doorstep, and that I could have things my way. I know things don't always go our way, but ugh...yeah. Today was a little brighter than yesterday, so that's something.

In other news, it is hell transferring Michigan plates to KY plates...my dad and I have been all over the County trying to get all of our paperwork in order. Keep your fingers crossed...I think we've got it all set now! That stress has definitely not been helping either...but hopefully it's all in order now!