Can't sleep

I feel stupid but I can't sleep. It is one of those days where my head just doesn't want to lay down on the pillow and rest...instead it wants to stay full of thoughts that keep me awake...

Sadly, even now I still think of James every day. I'm trying really hard not to, but so far it has been epically failing. The good, the bad, the ugly, the frustrating, the happy, the sad, the comfy, the togetherness, the apart, etc. The thoughts just swell up in me and I don't quite know what to do about it. How do you get over something that means so much to you? How do you forget all the good and make the tiny bit of bad take over? I don't know if it's the "what ifs" or the "no mores" that bug me more...

I don't want to be heartbroken forever...and yet Bob says the only way to move on is to find someone new and fall in love with them instead. That's all fine and dandy, but it hasn't seemed to work for Bob yet...

And even now, reading this, you must all think I'm pathetic. For a bit there I thought i was okay. I thought I was finally getting over it all. But then James texted me that he loves me and sadly it opened up the flood gates of crazy emotions all over again. Then the next day it took it away again with a sorry excuse of he had been drunk the night prior.

Matters of the heart have never been my forte. I think I purposefully sabotage them. It would be nice if the hurt would go away.

In other news I spent the entire rainy day inside. I watched "All That Jazz", "Send Me No Flowers", "Becoming Queen", "Comedy Central's Roast of William Shatner", a few episodes of Buffy, and a few episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress". All in all it was a good day. It was too rainy to do much of anything else anyways.

Perhaps that's where this whole crazy after midnight post is coming from...I've been cooped up in the apartment for too long today. Any way you slice it, tomorrow will be a new day and new start. We'll see how it goes.